Shame is a difficult emotion to carry because it affects self-respect. Shame, unlike feeling embarrassed, is a deeply rooted sense of not being lovable, not being good enough, and/or a feeling of disgust toward oneself. A person experiencing shame often feels inferior and inadequate. Shame lies beneath the surface and can sabotage life for many people.

Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to live with and work through. It is often deeply embedded, buried under many layers of fear, and can take a long time to heal. It is hard to face something you do not want to exist, something that feels forbidden to acknowledge. Shame does everything it can to protect itself from being seen.

Shame is driven by self-criticism and anxiety about other people’s opinions, which can make you feel separated from the rest of the world. It becomes a sense of “me” on one side and “the rest of the world” on the other. Constantly feeling judged and rejected shapes how you perceive both yourself and your surroundings.

Shame is not a truth. Shame is a lie. Only when we gain access to freedom from shame do we see it for what it is. Before that, it dominates our perception of reality and creates a distorted and destructive inner world that is experienced as the only truth.

It is difficult to find a single definition that captures the complex and destructive concept of “shame.” There are countless ways in which shame limits us and keeps us trapped in its iron grip.

Below are some anonymous quotes from the internet:

“Deepest shame is the experience of not having been loved for who one is, combined with being forced not to acknowledge it—or even to claim the opposite—a fundamental life lie.”

“When we feel shame, we are often ashamed of feeling shame. Shame is a knot we cannot untie without the help of another human being.”

“Shame is about feeling exposed, vulnerable, and naked. We are afraid of contempt. Shame is the sense that I am something bad. Shame is like a crack in the self.”

From shame to self-respect

When one dares to talk about one’s shame, it loses its power and will eventually diminish. There are four important abilities that are necessary to develop in order to find the self-respect that can replace shame;

• Positive self-images
• Managing one’s inner critic/judge
• Being able to set boundaries with others
• The ability to comfort oneself

“We do not want anyone to see our shame, and yet we deeply long to be seen.”

Guilt or feeling guilty can be described as an internal compass that tells us when we have done something wrong according to societal norms and moral values. Unlike shame, guilt can be repaired through action and making amends. Sometimes, however, unhealthy guilt arises — when you feel guilty for something that is not your responsibility, or when you take responsibility for what others do or have done. You may struggle to identify your own boundaries and often take responsibility for other people’s feelings as well.

Guilt is linked to what we have done or not done. The greater the gap between what you actually do and what you believe you should do, the more guilt you tend to feel. Guilt originates from violating one’s own conscience and is closely tied to morality and values. We are not born with a sense of guilt; rather, we learn it as we learn what is right and wrong. This also means it can be unlearned.