We experience grief after important losses in life. The most significant and painful losses are usually the death of loved ones, but we can also experience grief after a separation, the end of a friendship, or the loss of a job. Other major life changes that can trigger grief reactions include when children move out of home and retirement.

Definition of grief An emotional reaction caused by a change or the ending of a familiar pattern of life. Essentially, most major changes can trigger grief reactions.

• Death
• Infertility, miscarriage, abortion
• Divorce and family conflicts
• Illness or physical injury
• Bullying
• Financial and legal difficulties
• Unemployment and retirement
• The death of a pet
• Addiction

Most of our psychological energy after, for example, a bereavement goes into processing the loss, leaving little energy for anything else. There is often a lack of knowledge and uncertainty both within oneself and among others about how to deal with grief. Many people say they want to help and support you through your grieving process, but often they do not really know what to say or do. In many cases, the surrounding people’s lack of knowledge and uncertainty can lead to the grieving person becoming emotionally isolated. Others may stop reaching out or avoid talking about what has happened. When the outside world lets you down, it can lead to additional grief.

“One grieves the relationship to what has been lost.”

There are a number of common grief reactions, but it is important to remember that grief is highly individual and varies from person to person. Grief does not follow a fixed process or occur in stages, but is better described as a flow of varying intensity.

Examples of some common grief reactions:

• A feeling of numbness is usually the first thing a grieving person experiences.
• Difficulty concentrating when the loss takes over thoughts, which also makes it hard to remember everyday things.
• Mood swings where emotions shift quickly between strong and conflicting states. Mixed feelings are also common.
• Outbursts of anger and aggression may occur. It is common to feel easily irritated, sensitive, and angry. These reactions are often driven by frustration over what has happened.
• Changes in eating habits,such as loss of appetite or excessive eating.
• Irregular sleep patterns, with periods of insomnia or times of sleeping excessively.
• Loss of energy, where one’s original vitality and sense of life enthusiasm are no longer present, which in itself can be experienced as a loss.

“Almost everything that affects you negatively is a form of grief experience.”

There are many myths about how grief can be managed; here are some examples:

• Don´t be sad - those around the grieving person try, through intellectual comments and advice, to change their normal emotional reactions.
• Be strong – when the grieving person is not allowed to express their feelings naturally, an inner conflict arises that inhibits the grieving process.
• Grieve in isolation - comments such as “come back to work when you feel better,” “leave her alone for a while,” or “give him some time and space” can cause the grieving person to withdraw and become isolated with their grief.
• Replace the loss - “don’t be sad, we’ll get a new cat,” or “there are other reliable friends.” Relationships are not replaceable and need to be mourned.
• Stay busy - temporarily pushes grief aside, but if it becomes an avoidance behaviour it can hinder the grieving process in the long term.
• Time heals all wounds - this myth can make grieving people passive instead of actively seeking healing. Grief work requires time, and what matters is how that time is used. The key issue is that most people lack knowledge about what grief work actually involves. Tears are helpful, but it is not the tears themselves that bring healing.

Since myths about grief do not provide guidance on how emotional healing is achieved, grieving people often develop their own (negative) coping behaviours for temporary relief, such as alcohol, medication, work, exercise, food, shopping, anger, or sex.

All of these escape routes have in common that they temporarily change the emotional state and create an illusion of improvement. This can take the grieving person further and further away from the grief work that needs to be done.

As a therapist, I can support you with grief work. There are also courses available at the Grief Recovery Institute.