Self-esteem can be described as the fundamental attitude we have toward ourselves. According to the dictionary, self-esteem means “an awareness of one’s own worth as a person.” The concept of self-esteem includes dimensions of how satisfied, proud, and accepting we are of ourselves and who we are. Feeling loved, seen, and accepted for who you are is considered important for developing healthy self-esteem. Many different types of difficulties often stem from having a poor relationship with oneself. This, in turn, can lead to low self-esteem and a sense of “losing oneself.”

Self-confidence is a closely related term. However, self-confidence refers more to our belief in our ability to perform in different areas of life. For example, you may have strong self-confidence regarding your work situation or your ability to handle practical tasks, while feeling less confident when it comes to approaching new people, dancing, or socializing.

“Healthy self-esteem functions as an immune system for the soul, providing resilience, strength, and the ability to recover.”

Self-esteem can be defined as the sum of the following three subcategories:

• Self-confidence focuses on our perception of ourselves in terms of our ability to accomplish and perform tasks.
• Self-image reflects how you value your own self-worth.
• Self-awareness is the ability to be aware of one’s own consciousness. It is the understanding that you are a unique individual, separate from other people and from the surrounding world.

Healthy self-esteem is established during childhood and adolescence. Feeling loved, seen, and accepted for who you are by important people in your life is considered essential for developing healthy self-esteem. Self-esteem provides the inner security we need in order to remain steady when life becomes challenging. It also functions as an immune system for the soul, offering resilience, strength, and the ability to recover.

Common Problems Associated with Low Self-Esteem

The risks associated with low self-esteem include becoming more vulnerable to depression, worry, and anxiety. It can also place strain on relationships, either by making a person overly dependent on others and their approval, or overly self-focused and emotionally distant in the hope that others will not discover how “inadequate” they feel.

With low self-esteem, even the slightest hint of criticism or questioning can make a person “fall apart.” A person with low self-esteem becomes highly vulnerable to other people’s opinions and judgments. They do not see their own worth, and instead take others’ projections about them as truth. Neutral information from the environment is often interpreted as negative. Positive signals from others are frequently missed entirely, because they do not match the person’s own view of themselves and are therefore ignored or dismissed.

Often, positive things and events in our lives are attributed to others, while we take responsibility for — and feel guilt over — the negative things that happen. We do not see our own value, but instead look outward to others rather than inward to ourselves. This can easily become a self-reinforcing vicious cycle that affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The path to Self-Esteem

To find inner security, one may need support along the way. It is easy to become paralyzed into inaction because there is nowhere to draw strength from. There are no exact methods for increasing self-esteem. Below, I present some answers from clients who were asked what they considered most important in the process of developing greater self-esteem.

“I have needed to feel that I am allowed to exist.” “I have learned that it is okay to be the way I am.” “It has largely been about allowing my emotions. Allowing my emotions is the same as allowing myself.” “I have been met with understanding, experienced acceptance, and been reassured again and again that it is okay to be me and that I am good enough.” “To forgive myself!” “To work through my feelings of self-hatred. To dare to feel them, process them, and let them out!”

To develop healthy self-esteem, you need to free yourself from feelings such as shame and guilt. It is about forgiving and accepting yourself. The path to healthy self-esteem involves building and investing in self-love. It means treating yourself as if you were someone you actually care about. Many people treat themselves poorly.

Choose to do what you truly want, rather than performing to impress others. Follow your own dreams and desires. Compare yourself with yourself — while still allowing yourself to be inspired by others. Stop feeling inferior just because someone else happens to be slightly better than you at something. Start affirming yourself and practice noticing your positive qualities, such as being courageous, generous, kind, and caring.

The path to healthy self-esteem is about you learning to accept, value, and love yourself. That love must come from within you, not from anyone else.

If you answer yes to most of the questions below, you may have a need to improve your self-esteem.

• Do you avoid or hesitate to show your emotions so that others won’t think badly of you?
• Do you find it important that most people like you?
• Do you often think about what other people are thinking of you?
• Do you believe you will be less liked if you don’t step in and help others?
• Do you have a harsh, negative inner dialogue with yourself?
• Is your worth determined by how others judge and treat you? For example, do you only appreciate yourself when others appreciate you as a person?
• Do you avoid saying things before you know what others think?
• Do you find it difficult to accept other people’s advice or criticism?
• Is it important to you to live up to other people’s expectations?

“Only when you accept your weakest and most helpless self can you become whole and strong.”